Do you need a break from it all? You want a retreat, but all you can find is hours from home…until now.
Join Julie Wilkes, Jennifer Gleichuf, Matthew Citriglia and me, Hannah Siegle at idealistic Skipping Rock Farm in Granville, Ohio on Saturday, June 8th for a day of yoga, aromatherapy, painting and wine tasting! Register here!
Since January you may have noticed a dramatic drop in frequency of blog posts, to well…never. Lots of work has been going on with yoga, yoga therapy and well, lack of movement in eating disorder recovery. To be quite honest lack of movement in eating disorder recovery has been going on for much longer, but shame in my lack of vigil, paired with a stable or weight on the upswing made me ignore it. At some point after my stint in Partial Hospitalization in 2010-2011, I stopped my full court press on ED (eating disorder). The moment I let up on that he won. I began to rely on how I felt, however how I felt was still mixed up in the three voices that live inside me, ED, my recovery “should” voice and then “Hannah.”
I’ve spoken of ED and “me” for a long time, but the first time I discovered the divide between “should” and “Hannah” was in an exercise with Phoenix RIsing Yoga Therapy. ED resides in the lower parts of my body, Should in my head, and Hannah is stuck in the middle, appropriately so in my stomach. ED and Should are very loud. They argue back and forth. Hannah is the monkey in the middle. She curls up, and doesn’t want to hear it, simply obeying ED or Should. Following the orders of either of these turns into a disaster.
Sparing the details, a confluence of events has occurred that made me realize where I am. For the first time I identify the fear of fully letting go of ED and that means stepping into the great unknown. I’ve had this eating disorder for 16 years and that unknown is pretty vast. I have no idea how to even function without it. How does one not workout too much, or eat too little? How is it if one isn’t the smallest person in the room? I don’t really know. I’ve seen his grip tightening. Give me a room with mirrors across the whole wall. As I walk across my body size will change many times as I look on. It is ED’s eyes, not mine. I see a life of things I want and the beautiful things that could be. None of them have anything to do with body size or food. I can’t have that unless I let go. Letting go means trusting in others, it means saying yes instead of no, and realizing once and for all that I can’t out think this disorder. Letting go means talking with ED daily. Telling him that he is not in charge, that no we are not going to go buy food to only throw it away later when it freaks me out to have it in the house. It means not having to worry about having a heart attack after 16 years of the crap. I’ve been a prisoner in my own POW camp for so long. I’m tired. Recovery means fully working and giving my all to find out what Hannah wants, what Hannah likes. It doesn’t mean that only 1 hour in the gym means I haven’t worked out that day.
As for my treatment now I was poised with the question last Friday of it I need to go away to do this, to focus on myself in this battle, and yes it is a battle, no different from going into treatment for a disease or cancer. After much thought and discussions I am choosing to stay here, to form my own treatment team and support system. I want this to be integrated into my life, not separated. I have to be accountable, I have to embrace fear. There is no doubt about it. This is going to suck, it is going to be painful. There is going to be loss, tears and anger.
As I post this blog, I again step into my truth, and some may question my posting this on the site where I also post yoga offerings. My recovery nd yoga are intertwined. My connection with my body has only been rediscovered through yoga. Yoga therapy was what allowed me to hear these voices. Yoga has saved me more than once and will continue to offer insights. My blog is my testimonial as to the power that yoga has to offer.
With that I declare war on ED. Full court press is on. I take no prisoners.
Yesterday I was blessed with the unique opportunity to teach yoga and meditation workshops as part of Inspire the World Day, an event in Columbus that was created by Julie Wilkes. This day was created to bring “health, happiness, motivation, inspiration and friendship to the community.” and all process were donated to two charities. I met some amazing people and reconnected with others. The whole day was full of palpable positive energy and strength of heart, body and mind.
At the end of the event Julie gave each presenter a small gift. In this bag was a small starfish with the following story:
The Starfish
Once upon a time there was a wise man
who used to go to the ocean to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day he was walking along the shore.
As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day.
He began to walk faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man
and the young man wasn’t dancing, but instead reaching down to the shore,
Picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out, “Good morning! What are you doing?”
The young man paused, looked up and replied, “Throwing starfish in the ocean.”
The wise man then asked, “Why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?”
“The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in they will die.”
“But young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach
and starfish all along it. You can’t possibly make a difference!”
The your man listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish
and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves.
“It made a difference for that one.”
Much of my life has been wrapped up in what I refer to as a “the should.” I should be too thin. I should workout. I should go to medical school. I should date so and so. I should have that next drink, everyone else is. The list went on and on left no room for living, enjoying or experiencing the present. I had no idea what life beyond the physical use or appearance of the body could be like. Mindfulness? Forget it.
Then I stepped on a yoga mat and everything changed. I discovered that beneath this mass of cells was a person.
My first foray into yoga was in the Bikram style. A hot, sweaty room packed full of practically naked people. I wasn’t able to do most of the postures and pretty much everything about the environment was 
uncomfortable, yet somehow I kept going back. Those 90-minutes allowed a opening of a gateway into my body and my mind. This gateway, like the room wasn’t pretty. It was full of self-doubt and a deep-set gut feeling that something was really wrong in my life. I’d leave class blissed out, but wondering what was with all this crap I felt like I was carrying and making myself do all day long?
After a few months of these classes I knew something had to be done. That week I marched into my therapist’s office and told him that what I had said during my first appointment wasn’t true. I in fact was still severely battling my eating disorder and needed help. I was ready. Yoga had offered me the path.
The should had to go.
Of course it wasn’t that cut and dry. and it has taken me a long time to see many of the should blocking the experience of life. Knowing it is there doesn’t stop it from coming up, but it is half the battle. The other half? Letting go. Letting the present take over and the should of what was and what will be dissipate. The present is a beautiful thing. Real, raw, unfiltered truth. Messy at times, but beautiful in its vibrant embrace.
Living in the experience seems to have become the mantra of my life. Stopping the head turn backwards, stopping the squint ahead, and stopping the should of making everything into a black or white situation, a good or bad, a yes or no. The should tells us to do this. To categorize, to explain, to somehow make it easier for us as humans to understand. This understanding is an illusion, for as soon as we understand, the understanding of what we understand will change.
I’m not saying to stop trying to understand life and all its complexities, but instead moving to let go of the attachments that come with understanding. Too much holding of these understandings is a holding of the past and this makes it difficult to be in the now.
As you finish reading this take your gaze away from your computer, your phone, your tablet. Take a breath or two and ask yourself what you are holding onto? What are your should’s? And most importantly where are you right now?
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The Phoenix is an absolutely brilliant bird. A firebird of scarlet, gold and blue. A representation of rebirth and change; inner transformation. Yet it is unlikely you have ever see one of these birds since the Phoenix is a bird of myth, a life-cycle of 500-1000 years after which it builds itself a nest, ignites, turns to ashes, and is then reborn.
The myth of the Phoenix is heavily rooted in many traditions: Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Chinese, Indian, Arabian and Persian. It has been represented in many ways such as carvings, paintings, sculpture, coins and mosaics. The origin of this myth is thought to have come from either the Egyptians as a combination of the rising sun and the sun-god Ra or the Greeks as a bird that the Greek sun-god, Helios would stop to listen to as it bathed and sang at dawn.
All this myth is great, but what does it have to do with our lives since encountering Ra or Helios is not an everyday occurrence. The relevance of the Phoenix can instead be found in what it represents and how we can learn to let that be seen in our own lives.
The Phoenix is our often dormant ability to look within, to see the vision of possibility; to honor and listen to our bodies inherent wisdom. We have been 
trained to look outside of ourselves for the answers, the remedies, but our real truth lies closer to the heart. These truths are heard not through fruitless searching, but rather through a honing into the subtle shifts and signals that are ever present.
Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy offers the opportunity to get in touch with this part of ourselves. The use of assisted yoga postures and dialogue can offer physical and emotional transformation that is a complement to traditional physical and talk therapies. A gateway into healing the body and a mastering of life; a bridge that spans the great mind-body divide.
Are you interested in stepping into this exploration? No prior yoga experience is needed, just a willingness to be open to possibility. Contact me to schedule your first 90-minute session.
Find your Phoenix.
Discover. Empower. Play.
When I started researching blogs and writing one of the first things I saw was never to post “it has been awhile since my last post.” That being said…
It has been awhile since my last post.
I look in the mirror and I’m not sure I quite recognize who I see anymore, not so much physically, but mostly on a mental and metaphysical level. 2012 has been an abrupt year of change. Nothing bad has happened but it has been a rapid whirlwind of new leanings and while welcome it has been nothing short of painful. An intense journey into my real truth and a strong desire to at long last meet the real Hannah who has so long been missing from my life, the Hannah that exists outside of food and working out.
When I last left you I had just gone off of Adderall and while most of the physical side effects have still abated mentally the side effects had just started up. My brain was used to getting certain things from the medicine, both the Adderall and the Effexor XR I had mostly stopped in the Summer and Fall. Now it turns out the past month has shown up to be quite a struggle with a deep depression. In the past I’ve had minor depressive episodes, but nothing like this. Mornings and early afternoons proving to be nearly impossible; fogginess, foreign thoughts, despair, mental leathery, lack of concentration, and an inability for my eyes to focus. On some days the symptoms would fade by late afternoon only to give way to insomnia both from my own issues as well of that of an aging dog who likes to keep the schedule of a newborn baby!
In not numbing myself out the depression has been all the more painful, ups and downs of life magnified, days where I have had to “call in sick,” then deal with the guilt associated with being sick from a mental condition. Somehow this seems less valid than if I really was sick with a fever or other illness. Getting “ready for the day” has proven at times to be an even more exhausting endeavor in those other times where I knew that if I could just get out it would be ok. Long walks have proven in this time to be the best medicine. Getting out there and breathing it all in, letting the sun shine down on me and knowing that yes it really will be ok.
As previously mentioned I also have been dealing with physical changes, mostly in the area of weight gain. In my recovery I had hovered around the same number for quite a long time. Not quite where the medical professionals and my support systems wanted me to be, but in a place that was in my mind close enough, but also still safe enough if I ever needed to cut and run. Still holding onto my eating disorder with the last shred of strength I could muster. Gaining a few pounds is a sure way to royally piss off ED, especially when it is unintentional!
2012. The year I broke up with my eating disorder.
The most painful break-up ever. I run, he chases. At times he wins, luring me back into the safe confines of what seems normal, other times I’m lucky I am strong and fast. I’m still in the midst of it all. Having my first near binge episode, I had always sickly prided myself on never allowing the anorexia to flip. Turns out if you are anorexic and also listening to your body that this doesn’t work. Not eating what you need presents a strong backlash. Terribly uncomfortable and while a miserable experience it was quite a learning one.
I’m not comfortable with my body. It seems foreign right now. I don’t like the way clothing feels and looking at pictures can prove to be quite traumatic. I just got pictures back from my yoga photo shoot. Yikes. My imperfections scream out to me and while I hear positive things from others it doesn’t feel that way inside. Inside is an open wound. It will heal in time, but time is all I have to bank on. I must wait. I must be in the now, the present. This is what its. I am healthy, I am strong. The mantra of my wise-self.
What difference does a few pounds make? Who really cares? Is this really going to make a difference in my life? A few pounds down may in my case, but not a few pounds up. I try so hard to hold this true to myself. It still hurts. Brain pain.
I move forward. A day, an hour, a minute, a moment. I am here.
“Do your practice and all is coming.”
The winds of change seem to be upon us. As I sit writing this post, gazing out the window, snow is blowing and the wind is howling. A far cry from a few days ago when the sun was shining and the temperature had climbed up above the 60 degree mark. This rapid change hasn’t just been outside my window. It has been happening in my life as well. This really is the Kali Yuga, a period of time referred to many of the ancient texts as a period of disintegration and moral depravity. According to the Mayan calendar this period is set to end on December 21, 2012. Are we there yet?
The past week has thankfully seen a slow down in what I was experiencing from the discontinuation of the Adderall, however other areas of my life seem to have picked up that slack! Over the weekend I made a big decision to drastically change where and what I was teaching yoga. While the details don’t matter I needed to step into more of my own truth and authenticity on the mat. This was a very difficult choice to make, but a much-needed one. On the other side of it I feel as though a weight has been lifted!
I also have been finding that as of late Facebook seems to be an odd and hostile place. People don’t seem to understand the concept of social networking and this morning I was greeted by a very hostile message from someone who didn’t want to accept a friend request. A simple “No” would have worked here. Do people not realize that they have that option? Facebook says that you must know people in real life to be friends with them. Do you really know your 1,000 friends? Do you meet them for coffee and go to movies? I think not. Let’s work on some non-attachment here. If you don’t want to network don’t have a Facebook profile!
We have choices here, we have choice everywhere, even in the most dire situations. We don’t have to react to every little annoyance that comes our way. Our reactions are our choices. A strong reaction to something or someone is usually an indication of something within ourselves, good or bad, pretty or ugly. Next time you feel that heat building take a step back and breathe.
In other more exciting and positive news I had an article published. In print!! Get to your Whole Foods and check out Origin Magazine!!!
Last fall I wrote about my experiences in going off of Effexor XR after being on the medication for over 10-years. I never spoke much to the other, but more concerning drug, that I have been taking since March of last year. Adderall.
When I entered eating disorder treatment in 2009 it was suspected that I had ADD which was covered up by an active eating disorder. There was always a hesitation to put me on any medication for it since most of the effective mediations are stimulants and habit-forming, causing loss of appetite and weight loss, something not good for someone with an eating disorder. However last Spring my psychiatrist decided it would be ok to try me on Adderall as long as we were careful about the risk of side effects.
I began taking a low dosage of 10mg, which is what I stayed on for my duration on this medication, and immediately felt the positive effects of it. Ability to focus and lots of energy. Nevermind the occasional manic feelings, odd sensations in my chest or after too many days in a row on it, difficulty breathing. My eating disorder immediately latched onto the feeling of “speed,” especially loss of appetite. That being said I never experienced weight loss, but perhaps stayed at a lower weight for longer than I should have.
In May I began to get worried about the respiratory and perceived heart related side effects and made an attempt to get off of the drug. After several days of fatigue and some minor weight gain I couldn’t take it anymore. I jumped back on the Adderall bandwagon more out of worry for my weight than anything else. I didn’t reveal this to anyone until now. Sad but true.
Initially I found I could deal with the side effects by taking one or two days off a week, however by the Fall that gave way to 7 days a week on the drug. Some nights I would vow to not take it again the next day after experiencing worrying sensations, but in the morning the bottle beckoned again and I heeded to its call. An eating disorder in a pill.
In my return from yoga therapy training and the many changes I have been implementing in my life I decided it was time once and for all to be done with this pill. I’m not one to like taking prescription medications and alongside the other worries I have about stress on my body I knew that taking a stimulant wasn’t helping anything. The fact that this $200 a month medication was no longer covered by my new insurance wasn’t helping either! I hadn’t been on the drug for too long of a time and now was as good a time as any to go off of it. I jumped in.
Two weeks ago I gave my bottle of pills to a friend. I didn’t want them in the house because I knew if they were there in that moment of weakness I would take them. So it began. After maybe one day of being tired I haven’t noticed any of the fatigue-like side effects. In fact I have had more energy than normal! Wonderful.
What isn’t so wonderful? That other side effect. Weight gain. Since discontinuing the medication I have seen a pretty rapid increase in body weight. Adding that to the couple of pounds that came on after the stress of returning home in January and I am about ready to jump out of my skin…and it doesn’t seem to be stopping. I’m convinced at this point it hast mostly to do with the medication’s effect, and current lack thereof on my metabolism. I seeking an answer or remedy to this I go online and only get more frightened. Massive weight gains of 20-50 pounds seem to be abundant despite reported healthy diet and exercise behavior.
I’m scared. I can’t look in the mirror, I can’t stand the feeling of clothing on my body.
Most would say I could afford to gain a bit of weight and while that in itself doesn’t scare me the way this is happening does. It feels like a total loss of control. This also comes at a time where I have made a conscious choice to get back to better eating habits and stepping back a bit from working out so much. It would be so easy to fall back into that right now, but I’m not going to. I’m not. So I try to breathe. I try to sit with it. I try to practice what I preach.
Acceptance of what is. And this is what is. I can make a choice to embrace or continue to run.
I’m working on that embrace.
When “decided” to become a full-time yoga instructor (and I use quotes here because I don’t really think I ever decided this …it just happened), I didn’t consider the schedule I would be keeping. Yoga is a leisure activity for most and the majority of people can only attend classes early in the morning, in the late afternoon and evenings, and then on the weekends. A class may only be 60-90-minutes, but I have a lot of driving time in going and coming and my car may be 2000 miles past it’s last service! While I love what I do this routine has been quite a change for me!
The time not spent teaching classes has been spent engaged in yoga therapy training, offering practice sessions, reading, and writing papers. As it turns out this workload is almost akin to a master’s program! Since I can’t seem to get enough yoga I also have dived head on into furthering my own knowledge of the science and anatomy of the yoga,downloading and going through almost every yoga article in PubMed and in the access I have to peer reviewed journals, for which I have big plans in using!!
I also officially have formed my company, Balancing on Two Feet Yoga, LLC in the state of Ohio! This has been very exciting and I am working on a logo and a big website overhaul. I’m hoping for the change here to make an appearance by April.
As you may imagine it has been hard to find the time or energy to sit down to blog. I’m hoping eventually to become more regular again in this endeavor. As other bloggers have noted it can be hard to live a full life on the outside when so much time is spent in the virtual world of blogging. It is a full time job (and not paying!) to grow a blog and while I love the writing and the connections it isn’t realistic to think I can do it everyday or more than once or twice a week right now. Sure there are some that do it, but I don’t think that forcing myself to write in that vein would be authentic to who I am! My focus needs to be on my yoga offerings, my study, my friends, and a certain relationship that has found its way back into my life!
Stay tuned folks for lots of excitement ahead!
1. Yoga is about the union of the mind, body, and spirit. It isn’t about where you are going but instead about the journey in getting there. Find integrity in all movements small or large and grace in transition.
2. Yoga is about you. It doesn’t matter what the person on the mat next to you is doing. Pay attention to yourself, your body and your mind.
3. Yoga is not about your visual appearance. Is there a mirror in the room? Forget it even exists.
4. Yoga is not a passive practice. Finding balance and flexibility comes from the selective engagement of certain muscles depending on the poses. Learning about how to activate these muscles is a long and never-ending journey. Enjoy it.
5. Yoga is about learning to listen to your body. A little challenge can be good at times, but this practice is not about pushing. Advancement in asana comes slowly, millimeter by millimeter. Yoga is a practice, not a perfection.
6. Yoga is not about achieving certain poses. While it can be fun and inspirational to have something to work towards, pushing too hard or too fast doesn’t serve you. Learn the alignment, the muscle activation, and the bandhas(energy locks). That being said, all bodies are not made for all poses. We all have different bone structures and ranges of motion. This can allow or limit certain postures. Become unattached to the results.
7. Yoga is very different from how we in the West live our lives. We are forward racing with rapid breathing and carry ourselves with closed hips, and with contracted chests . Yoga involves slowing our pace, being aware of and controlling the breath, opening the hips and chest, and strengthening the back. Jumping into a too advanced class can be too much no matter how simple some of the postures may seem. This can shock our bodies.
8. In that vein if you are new to yoga have you been to a beginner class or series? This is a much-needed place to start. As an instructor I can best serve you if you have already been to one!
9. Videos or online classes can be a great way to discover new postures, sequencing, and instructors, but the best way to learn is in a real live class, especially for a beginner.
10. Yoga is about discovering an awareness of your body in space and time. Being inverted (upside down) or told to pay attention to movements in your back body can be awkward. Create space for that learning curve.
11.You know your body better than anyone. Yoga is about learning to hear that voice and step into the awareness of your body in space and time!
The following points are specific to my classes and important for your well-being.
12. Do you have something going on with your body? Strains, sprains, aches, pulls, surgical happenings, replacements, pregnancy, or anything else? Please let me know before class so again I can best adjust the practice to your needs
13. If you need clarification about something always ask! I’m always available before and after class and more than happy to answer questions. If I don’t’ know the answer I will find out!
14. Almost every pose has a modification. If you are not yet able to maintain the full posture please take the modification! Not building up to the full pose with the necessary strength and alignment is like building a skyscraper and missing all the floors between the ground and the top.
15. I offer physical assists but your body is yours and if you ever need something to be different or if something doesn’t feel right please let me know immediately.
16. Physical assists are amplifications of the postures that otherwise couldn’t be achieved. They are not about you doing something wrong. Afterwards 
muscle memory can sometimes take over and you can now get to these deeper places on your own.
17. Don’t be afraid of your breath! Explore it and make it heard! Expand your belly and your mind!
18. Injury is real and does happen in yoga. Follow the above and you will minimize your risk.
19. If you are practicing 3 or more times a week or if you are practicing less, but have a powerful practice you may want to invest in a good mat. Cheaper mats don’t offer much cushion and often don’t have a good grip. Manduka and Jade are both good brands to look into.
20. Have fun! Yoga is your playground!
Photo Credits: healthjockey.com, yoganora.wordpress.com, followtheyogi.com
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