Do you need a break from it all? You want a retreat, but all you can find is hours from home…until now.
Join Julie Wilkes, Jennifer Gleichuf, Matthew Citriglia and me, Hannah Siegle at idealistic Skipping Rock Farm in Granville, Ohio on Saturday, June 8th for a day of yoga, aromatherapy, painting and wine tasting! Register here!
At times eating disorder recovery feels like a round trip, always landing back at this place…some manifestation of relapse. Ick. Feelings of failure, shame, disappointment, all surface and hope seems futile. At least that is the way it used to be. I now recognize that often relapse is part of this journey and that even if it sometimes feels like I’m back at square one, I’m not. I may pass by the same point but it is always from a different perspective with new insights, views and goals. It is a spiral of recovery.
On this spiral I reflect on what went wrong before. I question if I was ready, my length of treatment, my type of treatment, my goals, my ability to let go. While I see some things clearly now where I took a wrong step, I realize that it is only a wrong step from this current perspective. Perhaps at the time it was the right step for me. Maybe I had more learning that needed to be done before I could really move forward with my life. Perhaps I had to learn to hear ED, Should AND Hannah before I could move into a place of authentic, long-lasting recovery. And as for long-lasting will this be the time? I honestly can’t say I know the answer, but I do know that I contain a hell of a lot of hope right now. I want a life I can live where I’m not surrounded by panic, anxiety and living on the edge of death.
So how did I get here? As previously mentioned I have been struggling for a while. Spinning my wheels and going backwards all at once. You may not have guessed it by looking at me but there was a lot going on, or not going on. I tried at times to ask for help. Family, friends, but the severity of it all was hidden. I wasn’t underweight anymore. Things couldn’t be that bad, right? Not so. The body is an amazing organism. Push it too hard and it holds on for dear life. Internally feeling like hell, but on the outside looking pretty ok. Beside I thought I felt ok most of the time.
Things really began to fall apart at the beginning of the summer. I started to have panic attacks. I’ve never had panic attacks before and this was pretty frightening. I pretty much felt like I was having a heart attack and stroke all at the same time. Thank god for having a doctor dad or else I would have ended up in the ER multiple times. They have continued for the most part, on and off in severity, but slowly subsiding as I start to deal with things.
These panic attacks were the first sign that things were way off. Over this time my yoga practice began to change as well. I started to find that I couldn’t push myself to physically do the practice that I had decided in my head with ED leading the way. Sure some days a more vigorous practice was fine, but some days it wasn’t. I couldn’t fake it. If I tried I would feel nauseous and shaky. I couldn’t push through. Mentally this was hard. I’ve never been able to not push through, heck I could and can push through in the gym so why was this showing up here on a rubber mat?
The reason? Yoga doesn’t lie. My mind-body connection has become strong through my practice, training and teaching and it wasn’t going to let me out of this one. I wasn’t going to be able to outrun or out-vinyasa my body. It was going to make me listen.
Part of this listening-awareness came through a book I read, Unbroken. Unbroken is the true story of a World War II POW. An amazing and enthralling read, but what was most important to me in reading it was that how the author was treated in the POW camps was no different from how I was treating myself. I was my own torturer and prisoner at the same time. Upsetting and true, but something that I needed to see.
This along with my motivation to have a life fired me up and fueled me forward into really asking for help. It made me realize that I needed to drop the veil and be with where I was. As my new therapist said last week…your time is running out.
Since January you may have noticed a dramatic drop in frequency of blog posts, to well…never. Lots of work has been going on with yoga, yoga therapy and well, lack of movement in eating disorder recovery. To be quite honest lack of movement in eating disorder recovery has been going on for much longer, but shame in my lack of vigil, paired with a stable or weight on the upswing made me ignore it. At some point after my stint in Partial Hospitalization in 2010-2011, I stopped my full court press on ED (eating disorder). The moment I let up on that he won. I began to rely on how I felt, however how I felt was still mixed up in the three voices that live inside me, ED, my recovery “should” voice and then “Hannah.”
I’ve spoken of ED and “me” for a long time, but the first time I discovered the divide between “should” and “Hannah” was in an exercise with Phoenix RIsing Yoga Therapy. ED resides in the lower parts of my body, Should in my head, and Hannah is stuck in the middle, appropriately so in my stomach. ED and Should are very loud. They argue back and forth. Hannah is the monkey in the middle. She curls up, and doesn’t want to hear it, simply obeying ED or Should. Following the orders of either of these turns into a disaster.
Sparing the details, a confluence of events has occurred that made me realize where I am. For the first time I identify the fear of fully letting go of ED and that means stepping into the great unknown. I’ve had this eating disorder for 16 years and that unknown is pretty vast. I have no idea how to even function without it. How does one not workout too much, or eat too little? How is it if one isn’t the smallest person in the room? I don’t really know. I’ve seen his grip tightening. Give me a room with mirrors across the whole wall. As I walk across my body size will change many times as I look on. It is ED’s eyes, not mine. I see a life of things I want and the beautiful things that could be. None of them have anything to do with body size or food. I can’t have that unless I let go. Letting go means trusting in others, it means saying yes instead of no, and realizing once and for all that I can’t out think this disorder. Letting go means talking with ED daily. Telling him that he is not in charge, that no we are not going to go buy food to only throw it away later when it freaks me out to have it in the house. It means not having to worry about having a heart attack after 16 years of the crap. I’ve been a prisoner in my own POW camp for so long. I’m tired. Recovery means fully working and giving my all to find out what Hannah wants, what Hannah likes. It doesn’t mean that only 1 hour in the gym means I haven’t worked out that day.
As for my treatment now I was poised with the question last Friday of it I need to go away to do this, to focus on myself in this battle, and yes it is a battle, no different from going into treatment for a disease or cancer. After much thought and discussions I am choosing to stay here, to form my own treatment team and support system. I want this to be integrated into my life, not separated. I have to be accountable, I have to embrace fear. There is no doubt about it. This is going to suck, it is going to be painful. There is going to be loss, tears and anger.
As I post this blog, I again step into my truth, and some may question my posting this on the site where I also post yoga offerings. My recovery nd yoga are intertwined. My connection with my body has only been rediscovered through yoga. Yoga therapy was what allowed me to hear these voices. Yoga has saved me more than once and will continue to offer insights. My blog is my testimonial as to the power that yoga has to offer.
With that I declare war on ED. Full court press is on. I take no prisoners.
Much of my life has been wrapped up in what I refer to as a “the should.” I should be too thin. I should workout. I should go to medical school. I should date so and so. I should have that next drink, everyone else is. The list went on and on left no room for living, enjoying or experiencing the present. I had no idea what life beyond the physical use or appearance of the body could be like. Mindfulness? Forget it.
Then I stepped on a yoga mat and everything changed. I discovered that beneath this mass of cells was a person.
My first foray into yoga was in the Bikram style. A hot, sweaty room packed full of practically naked people. I wasn’t able to do most of the postures and pretty much everything about the environment was 
uncomfortable, yet somehow I kept going back. Those 90-minutes allowed a opening of a gateway into my body and my mind. This gateway, like the room wasn’t pretty. It was full of self-doubt and a deep-set gut feeling that something was really wrong in my life. I’d leave class blissed out, but wondering what was with all this crap I felt like I was carrying and making myself do all day long?
After a few months of these classes I knew something had to be done. That week I marched into my therapist’s office and told him that what I had said during my first appointment wasn’t true. I in fact was still severely battling my eating disorder and needed help. I was ready. Yoga had offered me the path.
The should had to go.
Of course it wasn’t that cut and dry. and it has taken me a long time to see many of the should blocking the experience of life. Knowing it is there doesn’t stop it from coming up, but it is half the battle. The other half? Letting go. Letting the present take over and the should of what was and what will be dissipate. The present is a beautiful thing. Real, raw, unfiltered truth. Messy at times, but beautiful in its vibrant embrace.
Living in the experience seems to have become the mantra of my life. Stopping the head turn backwards, stopping the squint ahead, and stopping the should of making everything into a black or white situation, a good or bad, a yes or no. The should tells us to do this. To categorize, to explain, to somehow make it easier for us as humans to understand. This understanding is an illusion, for as soon as we understand, the understanding of what we understand will change.
I’m not saying to stop trying to understand life and all its complexities, but instead moving to let go of the attachments that come with understanding. Too much holding of these understandings is a holding of the past and this makes it difficult to be in the now.
As you finish reading this take your gaze away from your computer, your phone, your tablet. Take a breath or two and ask yourself what you are holding onto? What are your should’s? And most importantly where are you right now?
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The Phoenix is an absolutely brilliant bird. A firebird of scarlet, gold and blue. A representation of rebirth and change; inner transformation. Yet it is unlikely you have ever see one of these birds since the Phoenix is a bird of myth, a life-cycle of 500-1000 years after which it builds itself a nest, ignites, turns to ashes, and is then reborn.
The myth of the Phoenix is heavily rooted in many traditions: Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Chinese, Indian, Arabian and Persian. It has been represented in many ways such as carvings, paintings, sculpture, coins and mosaics. The origin of this myth is thought to have come from either the Egyptians as a combination of the rising sun and the sun-god Ra or the Greeks as a bird that the Greek sun-god, Helios would stop to listen to as it bathed and sang at dawn.
All this myth is great, but what does it have to do with our lives since encountering Ra or Helios is not an everyday occurrence. The relevance of the Phoenix can instead be found in what it represents and how we can learn to let that be seen in our own lives.
The Phoenix is our often dormant ability to look within, to see the vision of possibility; to honor and listen to our bodies inherent wisdom. We have been 
trained to look outside of ourselves for the answers, the remedies, but our real truth lies closer to the heart. These truths are heard not through fruitless searching, but rather through a honing into the subtle shifts and signals that are ever present.
Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy offers the opportunity to get in touch with this part of ourselves. The use of assisted yoga postures and dialogue can offer physical and emotional transformation that is a complement to traditional physical and talk therapies. A gateway into healing the body and a mastering of life; a bridge that spans the great mind-body divide.
Are you interested in stepping into this exploration? No prior yoga experience is needed, just a willingness to be open to possibility. Contact me to schedule your first 90-minute session.
Find your Phoenix.
Discover. Empower. Play.
When “decided” to become a full-time yoga instructor (and I use quotes here because I don’t really think I ever decided this …it just happened), I didn’t consider the schedule I would be keeping. Yoga is a leisure activity for most and the majority of people can only attend classes early in the morning, in the late afternoon and evenings, and then on the weekends. A class may only be 60-90-minutes, but I have a lot of driving time in going and coming and my car may be 2000 miles past it’s last service! While I love what I do this routine has been quite a change for me!
The time not spent teaching classes has been spent engaged in yoga therapy training, offering practice sessions, reading, and writing papers. As it turns out this workload is almost akin to a master’s program! Since I can’t seem to get enough yoga I also have dived head on into furthering my own knowledge of the science and anatomy of the yoga,downloading and going through almost every yoga article in PubMed and in the access I have to peer reviewed journals, for which I have big plans in using!!
I also officially have formed my company, Balancing on Two Feet Yoga, LLC in the state of Ohio! This has been very exciting and I am working on a logo and a big website overhaul. I’m hoping for the change here to make an appearance by April.
As you may imagine it has been hard to find the time or energy to sit down to blog. I’m hoping eventually to become more regular again in this endeavor. As other bloggers have noted it can be hard to live a full life on the outside when so much time is spent in the virtual world of blogging. It is a full time job (and not paying!) to grow a blog and while I love the writing and the connections it isn’t realistic to think I can do it everyday or more than once or twice a week right now. Sure there are some that do it, but I don’t think that forcing myself to write in that vein would be authentic to who I am! My focus needs to be on my yoga offerings, my study, my friends, and a certain relationship that has found its way back into my life!
Stay tuned folks for lots of excitement ahead!
1. Yoga is about the union of the mind, body, and spirit. It isn’t about where you are going but instead about the journey in getting there. Find integrity in all movements small or large and grace in transition.
2. Yoga is about you. It doesn’t matter what the person on the mat next to you is doing. Pay attention to yourself, your body and your mind.
3. Yoga is not about your visual appearance. Is there a mirror in the room? Forget it even exists.
4. Yoga is not a passive practice. Finding balance and flexibility comes from the selective engagement of certain muscles depending on the poses. Learning about how to activate these muscles is a long and never-ending journey. Enjoy it.
5. Yoga is about learning to listen to your body. A little challenge can be good at times, but this practice is not about pushing. Advancement in asana comes slowly, millimeter by millimeter. Yoga is a practice, not a perfection.
6. Yoga is not about achieving certain poses. While it can be fun and inspirational to have something to work towards, pushing too hard or too fast doesn’t serve you. Learn the alignment, the muscle activation, and the bandhas(energy locks). That being said, all bodies are not made for all poses. We all have different bone structures and ranges of motion. This can allow or limit certain postures. Become unattached to the results.
7. Yoga is very different from how we in the West live our lives. We are forward racing with rapid breathing and carry ourselves with closed hips, and with contracted chests . Yoga involves slowing our pace, being aware of and controlling the breath, opening the hips and chest, and strengthening the back. Jumping into a too advanced class can be too much no matter how simple some of the postures may seem. This can shock our bodies.
8. In that vein if you are new to yoga have you been to a beginner class or series? This is a much-needed place to start. As an instructor I can best serve you if you have already been to one!
9. Videos or online classes can be a great way to discover new postures, sequencing, and instructors, but the best way to learn is in a real live class, especially for a beginner.
10. Yoga is about discovering an awareness of your body in space and time. Being inverted (upside down) or told to pay attention to movements in your back body can be awkward. Create space for that learning curve.
11.You know your body better than anyone. Yoga is about learning to hear that voice and step into the awareness of your body in space and time!
The following points are specific to my classes and important for your well-being.
12. Do you have something going on with your body? Strains, sprains, aches, pulls, surgical happenings, replacements, pregnancy, or anything else? Please let me know before class so again I can best adjust the practice to your needs
13. If you need clarification about something always ask! I’m always available before and after class and more than happy to answer questions. If I don’t’ know the answer I will find out!
14. Almost every pose has a modification. If you are not yet able to maintain the full posture please take the modification! Not building up to the full pose with the necessary strength and alignment is like building a skyscraper and missing all the floors between the ground and the top.
15. I offer physical assists but your body is yours and if you ever need something to be different or if something doesn’t feel right please let me know immediately.
16. Physical assists are amplifications of the postures that otherwise couldn’t be achieved. They are not about you doing something wrong. Afterwards 
muscle memory can sometimes take over and you can now get to these deeper places on your own.
17. Don’t be afraid of your breath! Explore it and make it heard! Expand your belly and your mind!
18. Injury is real and does happen in yoga. Follow the above and you will minimize your risk.
19. If you are practicing 3 or more times a week or if you are practicing less, but have a powerful practice you may want to invest in a good mat. Cheaper mats don’t offer much cushion and often don’t have a good grip. Manduka and Jade are both good brands to look into.
20. Have fun! Yoga is your playground!
Photo Credits: healthjockey.com, yoganora.wordpress.com, followtheyogi.com
Yesterday I drove down to Cincinnati to have my first professional Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy session with a current practitioner. As part of our training we are required to go through the work ourselves which is really the best way to understand what the PRYT modality is.
My session was with Renee Groenemann, one of the owners of Grace Tree Yoga & Growth Studio. The session took place at the studio, a beautiful house that has been remodeled into a yoga studio with two separate rooms for classes as well as a room for private lessons. With the temperatures hitting the 60′s and the sun beaming through the windows it couldn’t have been a more perfect day. In addition to receiving a session I also “gave” a session to Renee as part of my training in order to get feedback from another who deeply understands this process.
As my session began I felt the flood gates open, not necessarily in terms of tears, but in terms of letting go. As we sat in our centering I started to deeply feel emotions and sensations that I had been running from in my body. Feelings of loss, loneliness, knotted anxiety. As I spoke of them a lump the size of a tennis ball developed in my throat. I became aware of things I had been stuffing since I returned home from Vermont, things that had been filling up my bleachers for far too long manifesting as a dense heaviness feeding into darkness and depression.
While I won’t go into the details of my session I will say that Renee offered me some very edgy postures that facilitated deep-rooted release. These weren’t postures that I learned in training, but instead were a more creative bent on what I needed while still maintaining the integrity of the work. This is something that we are encouraged to do as we become more skilled practitioners. She also offered a few mini-integrations throughout the process. Drawing things together and encouraging me to sit (or stand!) at edges that seemed scary and uncomfortable. At one point I actually got the image of crows flying out from my shoulders, darkness leaving my body and creating room for light and growth.
I left our session feeling stronger, more able, and calmer than I have in quite a long time. Things didn’t seem so daunting as I drove back to Columbus. I wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere, I was able to stop and get food for lunch, taking care of myself, and most notably the depression that has been setting in each day around noon didn’t happen. I thought maybe it would come later, but it never did.
My mom posed a question to me yesterday relating a PRYT to a massage. How does it compare? I answered that the release from this type of work is much deeper than any massage I’ve ever gotten. For me a massage has usually been just a physical relaxation. My mind is still stuck and full even though my body is at ease. This is still very valuable, but again not as deep. PRYT integrates so much more. A true mind, body, emotional, and spirit connection. It works. I don’t know why, I just know it does.
If you are in Columbus and are interested in receiving yoga therapy sessions please contact me at hannah.siegle[at]gmail.com.
Much love and light to all.
It is official. I have bloggers block.
Ever since I returned home I have been going though a lot of internal change and it has been hard to decide what I want to blog publicly about versus keep to myself, after all I’m not a completely open book. I’ve had a lot going on externally as well, which I seem to be focusing on in my blogging. Perhaps it is easier to talk about all that stuff than what is deeper. What is deeper however is this late night Glamour shot! Old Mr. Dragon Breath!
I’ve become very aware of many feelings, both physical and mental that have been residing below the surface. I suspect that many of these aren’t new, but are rather making themselves heard. New and odd. As mentioned I’ve also been dealing with the post-PRYT weight gain. Small, yes, but nevertheless disturbing and disconcerting. I pretty sure it is due to hormonal or metabolic repercussions for not eating enough while I was gone. Belive it or not one can gain weight from not eating, especially if they are someone whose body is used to that game.
I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t shed tears over this. My body is out of my control. Something terrifying and scary. even amidst all the work that I have done. It is signaling that it will do whatever it wants, whenever it wants. It. Referring to my body as a thing, somewhat disconnected from me. I’m working hard to accept what is going on and regain the sense that my body and myself are not really two distinct entities. This disconnect is an illusion as is so much in life. It is one and the same.
In the flurry of ongoing’s I have been putting a lot of time and energy into remaining grounded so that I can show up as a yoga instructor and leave all of that on the bleachers to come back to later. The funny thing about bleachers is that I have to come back to it. If I just let them fill up they will collapse. Major liability there!
I’m not one to ask for things, but any support here would be much appreciated! Love, light, and healing to all!
In my last post I mentioned that there is more to live for than the fear of subcutaneous fat, something that most can probably relate to. We live in a society that has demonized this very valuable and necessary tissue. We pinch it, poke at it, grimace at the sight of this harmless tissue on our bodies. We hide beneath baggy clothing, scoff if it hangs over the waist of our pants, cut it out of pictures, and waste endless hours trying to burn it away, only fighting against the natural balance of our bodies. I’ve perhaps spent more time than most engaged in these self-centered pursuits, and for what? My reasons are somewhat biologically based and rooted much deeper in my eating disorder, but that doesn’t excuse these behaviors. I am most definitely not healthier, stronger, or more beautiful for any of it. Indeed I am less healthily, have lingering physical problems and at the ripe old age of 29 I have osteoporosis.
Subcutaneous fat is not the devil it is made out to be and in fact 70-80% of our fat is subcutaneous! It is NOT the cause of illness or disease. This is caused by visceral or abdominal fat which is what is packed between organs. This visceral fat raises the levels of free fatty acids in the bloodstream which can then go on to clog arteries, causing heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, or other health issues.
Visceral Fat vs Subcutaneous Fat
Someone who has little extra subcutaneous fat (to which I’m now just referring to as fat) may be healthier than someone who exists at a low body fat percentage. A lack of fat can cause problems with metabolism, hormones, a susceptibility to getting sick, they can bruise easily, and for women a lack of period and low bone density. Fat is protective and much needed!
A female typically deposits their fat around their hips, thighs, and buttocks and having fat shouldn’t dictate our feelings towards ourselves if we can’t fit into skinny jeans designed for a 10-year old. Should we starve ourselves or exercise our bodies into the ground to hear the satisfaction of the zipper closing? I think not.
In other totally unrelated news my phone had an interesting message the other day I’ve been getting a plethora of signs from the universe sine I’ve arrived home from Bristol. As I sat in a waiting room at the doctor’s office I pulled out my phone to play a word game where you connect letters on a 5×5 grid, however my phone had better ideas. Smack in the middle of the screen were the unmistakable words:
EAT ME.
Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.
Photo Credits: thelifeathletic.com, dnfitness.wordpress.com
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