Eating Disorder

Sep

13

Why Do You Workout…So Much?

Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Exercise / Learnings  Posted by / 4 comments
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A few weeks ago I was asked the question “Why do you workout so much?” I paused. I opened my mouth. Nothing came out. I didn’t have an answer!

Shock. Panic. Disbelief.

How could something that I had done religiously for 16 years have no reasoning behind it? How could something that had become a full-time job have such a lack of intention? Earth shattering. I revisited the question. If I shorten the question to “Why do you workout?” I can answer it. Strength, health, stress relief, fluidity. The “so much” is where I get stumped. I’m not an athlete. I’m not training for anything. In fact the “so much” actually goes against any of the reasons why I workout. Too much working out doesn’t increase strength, decrease stress or improve health. In fact it worsens it. This realization for me was huge. I had never been faced with such a blunt, straight forward question about my habits.

Yesterday I was meeting with one of my friends, Lauren, who is part of my support system. As we sat there talking about my workout and yoga patterns, slowly chipping away at what I was going to now be doing each week I felt many shifts in my body as the internal battle between Hannah and ED ensued. In fact I even noticed slight changes in my face and posture as one or the other came out. She was questioning my habits, questioning my iron clad routine, which was well…based only in one of ED’s commandments:

“Thou shall always blindly do what you did the day before.”

Really? Obviously that has gotten me to a really awesome place.

As I sat there with Lauren, uncomfortable about what I was stepping into I made a joke about my abs disappearing. Her response?  ”So what if they do?” Yikes. Another hard one. That resonated, reverberated in my head. I don’t have an answer. Fear (or ED) holds me back. Fear tells me that if I give up this vigilance I will automatically be sent back to childhood as a fat, little girl who was bullied. A little girl who didn’t have many friends because she looked different. My inner wisdom, Hannah, however knows that isn’t true. We can never go back to what was and besides even if we go full circle, it isn’t a circle. It is a spiral. A new perspective. Hannah doesn’t care about belly fat. Hannah doesn’t even care about weight. Hannah likes to feel strong. Hannah doesn’t like to look in the mirror and feel tired, scared, anxious.

As part of this journey, this intense conversation, I am going to be tracking my intentions, my motivations behind working out and yoga. I have a set plan. I have questions to journal about, to ponder. I’m nervous about it of course but I will do it. I have the discipline to have an eating disorder, to starve, to overwork myself day in and day out. If I have this discipline for evil I have this discipline for good and most importantly I have the POWER to flip it. I have this strength, this internal strength that could out lift anybody out there, but mostly importantly it will serve to lift me up and out of this deep well.

Play along. Answer this questions for yourself:

1. How am I feeling today?

2. Why am I working out?

3. Who is influencing this workout?

4. How have I fueled for my workout?

Sep

11

Round Trip?

Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Learnings / Yoga for Eating Disorders / Yoga Therapy  Posted by / 4 comments
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At times eating disorder recovery feels like a round trip, always landing back at this place…some manifestation of relapse. Ick. Feelings of failure, shame, disappointment, all surface and hope seems futile. At least that is the way it used to be. I now recognize that often relapse is part of this journey and that even if it sometimes feels like I’m back at square one, I’m not. I may pass by the same point but it is always from a different perspective with new insights, views and goals. It is a spiral of recovery.

On this spiral I reflect on what went wrong before. I question if I was ready, my length of treatment, my type of treatment, my goals, my ability to let go. While I see some things clearly now where I took a wrong step, I realize that it is only a wrong step from this current perspective. Perhaps at the time it was the right step for me. Maybe I had more learning that needed to be done before I could really  move forward with my life. Perhaps I had to learn to hear ED, Should AND Hannah before I could move into a place of authentic, long-lasting recovery. And as for long-lasting will this be the time? I honestly can’t say I know the answer, but I do know that I contain a hell of a lot of hope right now. I want a life I can live where I’m not surrounded by panic, anxiety and living on the edge of death.

So how did I get here? As previously mentioned I have been struggling for a while. Spinning my wheels and going backwards all at once. You may not have guessed it by looking at me but there was a lot going on, or not going on. I tried at times to ask for help. Family, friends, but the severity of it all was hidden. I wasn’t underweight anymore. Things couldn’t be that bad, right? Not so. The body is an amazing organism. Push it too hard and it holds on for dear life. Internally feeling like hell, but on the outside looking pretty ok. Beside I thought I felt ok most of the time.

Things really began to fall apart at the beginning of the summer. I started to have panic attacks. I’ve never had panic attacks before and this was pretty frightening. I pretty much felt like I was having a heart attack and stroke all at the same time. Thank god for having a doctor dad or else I would have ended up in the ER multiple times. They have continued for the most part, on and off in severity, but slowly subsiding as I start to deal with things.

These panic attacks were the first sign that things were way off. Over this time my yoga practice began to change as well. I started to find that I couldn’t push myself to physically do the practice that I had decided in my head with ED leading the way. Sure some days a more vigorous practice was fine, but some days it wasn’t. I couldn’t fake it. If I tried I would feel nauseous and shaky. I couldn’t push through. Mentally this was hard. I’ve never been able to not push through, heck I could and can push through in the gym so why was this showing up here on a rubber mat?

The reason? Yoga doesn’t lie. My mind-body connection has become strong through my practice, training and teaching and it wasn’t going to let me out of this one. I wasn’t going to be able to outrun or out-vinyasa my body. It was going to make me listen.

Part of this listening-awareness came through a book I read, Unbroken. Unbroken is the true story of a World War II POW. An amazing and enthralling read, but what was most important to me in reading it was that how the author was treated in the POW camps was no different from how I was treating myself. I was my own torturer and prisoner at the same time. Upsetting and true, but something that I needed to see.

This along with my motivation to have a life fired me up and fueled me forward into really asking for help. It made me realize that I needed to drop the veil and be with where I was. As my new therapist said last week…your time is running out.

Sep

10

STRENGTH and Truth

Body Image / Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Yoga / Yoga for Eating Disorders / Yoga Therapy  Posted by / 7 comments
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Since January you may have noticed a dramatic drop in frequency of blog posts, to well…never. Lots of work has been going on with yoga, yoga therapy and well, lack of movement in eating disorder recovery. To be quite honest lack of movement in eating disorder recovery has been going on for much longer, but shame in my lack of vigil, paired with a stable or weight on the upswing made me ignore it. At some point after my stint in Partial Hospitalization in 2010-2011, I stopped my full court press on ED (eating disorder). The moment I let up on that he won. I began to rely on how I felt, however how I felt was still mixed up in the three voices that live inside me, ED, my recovery “should” voice and then “Hannah.”

I’ve spoken of ED and “me” for a long time, but the first time I discovered the divide between “should” and “Hannah” was in an exercise with Phoenix RIsing Yoga Therapy. ED resides in the lower parts of my body, Should in my head, and Hannah is stuck in the middle, appropriately so in my stomach. ED and Should are very loud. They argue back and forth. Hannah is the monkey in the middle. She curls up, and doesn’t want to hear it, simply obeying ED or Should. Following the orders of either of these turns into a disaster.

Sparing the details, a confluence of events has occurred that made me realize where I am. For the first time I identify the fear of fully letting go of ED and that means stepping into the great unknown. I’ve had this eating disorder for 16 years and that unknown is pretty vast. I have no idea how to even function without it. How does one not workout too much, or eat too little? How is it if one isn’t the smallest person in the room? I don’t really know. I’ve seen his grip tightening. Give me a room with mirrors across the whole wall. As I walk across my body size will change many times as I look on. It is ED’s eyes, not mine. I see a life of things I want and the beautiful things that could be. None of them have anything to do with body size or food. I can’t have that unless I let go. Letting go means trusting in others, it means saying yes instead of no, and realizing once and for all that I can’t out think this disorder. Letting go means talking with ED daily. Telling him that he is not in charge, that no we are not going to go buy food to only throw it away later when it freaks me out to have it in the house. It means not having to worry about having a heart attack after 16 years of the crap. I’ve been a prisoner in my own POW camp for so long. I’m tired. Recovery means fully working and giving my all to find out what Hannah wants, what Hannah likes. It doesn’t mean that only 1 hour in the gym means I haven’t worked out that day.

As for my treatment now I was poised with the question last Friday of it I need to go away to do this, to focus on myself in this battle, and yes it is a battle, no different from going into treatment for a disease or cancer. After much thought and discussions I am choosing to stay here, to form my own treatment team and support system. I want this to be integrated into my life, not separated. I have to be accountable, I have to embrace fear. There is no doubt about it. This is going to suck, it is going to be painful. There is going to be loss, tears and anger.

As I post this blog, I again step into my truth, and some may question my posting this on the site where I also post yoga offerings. My recovery nd yoga are intertwined. My connection with my body has only been rediscovered through yoga. Yoga therapy was what allowed me to hear these voices. Yoga has saved me more than once and will continue to offer insights. My blog is my testimonial as to the power that yoga has to offer.

With that I declare war on ED. Full court press is on. I take no prisoners.

May

24

Should?

Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Learnings / Yoga / Yoga Therapy  Posted by / 6 comments
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Much of my life has been wrapped up in what I refer to as a “the should.” I should be too thin. I should workout. I should go to medical school. I should date so and so. I should have that next drink, everyone else is. The list went on and on left  no room for living, enjoying or experiencing the present. I had no idea what life beyond the physical use or appearance of the body could be like. Mindfulness? Forget it.

Then I stepped on a yoga mat and everything changed. I discovered that beneath this mass of cells was a person.

My first foray into yoga was in the Bikram style. A hot, sweaty room packed full of practically naked people. I wasn’t able to do most of the postures and pretty much everything about the environment was NewImageuncomfortable, yet somehow I kept going back. Those 90-minutes allowed a opening of a gateway into my body and my mind. This gateway, like the room wasn’t pretty. It was full of self-doubt and a deep-set gut feeling that something was really wrong in my life. I’d leave class blissed out, but wondering what was with all this crap I felt like I was carrying and making myself do all day long?

After a few months of these classes I knew something had to be done. That week I marched into my therapist’s office and told him that what I had said during my first appointment wasn’t true. I in fact was still severely battling my eating disorder and needed help. I was ready. Yoga had offered me the path.

The should had to go.

Let go

Of course it wasn’t that cut and dry. and it has taken me a long time to see many of the should blocking the experience of  life. Knowing it is there doesn’t stop it from coming up, but it is half the battle. The other half? Letting go. Letting the present take over and the should of what was and what will be dissipate. The present is a beautiful thing. Real, raw, unfiltered truth. Messy at times, but beautiful in its vibrant embrace.

Living in the experience seems to have become the mantra of my life. Stopping the head turn backwards, stopping the squint ahead, and stopping the should of making everything into a black or white situation, a good or bad, a yes or no. The should tells us to do this. To categorize, to explain, to somehow make it easier for us as humans to understand. This understanding is an illusion, for as soon as we understand, the understanding of what we understand will change.

I’m not saying to stop trying to understand life and all its complexities, but instead moving to let go of the attachments that come with understanding. Too much holding of these understandings is a holding of the past and this makes it difficult to be in the now.

As you finish reading this take your gaze away from your computer, your phone, your tablet. Take a breath or two and ask yourself what you are holding onto? What are your should’s? And most importantly where are you right now?

Share below in the comments!

 

Apr

04

Moving into the Mud.

Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Exercise / Journey / Meditation  Posted by / 4 comments
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Tonight I went for a run.  While I don’t consider myself a runner anymore I love to get out from time to time.  I don’t plan ahead or have a set amount of time or miles to cover.  It comes as answer to something my body wants.

It was a beautiful evening.  The sun shining brightly, the blue sky and the cool air on my bare arms.  WIth each stride I took I felt myself moving deeper to almost a meditative place.  The strength resounding in my legs, the breath full in my chest.  My body was rejoicing, my body was alive. The blood pulsed through my veins warm and full.   Everything was ok.  Everything was beautiful.

The cars passed by, each person on their own mission. The planes flew in the sky leaving bright white streaks in their path and the birds circled above.  In this seeming mass of worldly confusion the world seemed in perfect harmony.  All was just as it should be and all is just as it should be.  I was living in that moment.  As I continued on tears began to stream down my face.  Tears of joy.  Tears of gratitude towards myself, towards my body, towards all who have supported me on this path, on the journey of healing into life.

Everything is ok.  In this moment I am ok.  I am healthy, I am happy.

What difference does it make what size I am, what the number on the scale says.  Those numbers only hold importance if we let them and why should we?  Should we give our lives over to something because that is what society tells us to do?  Because society demonizes what is human?  This morning I read a piece by on the blog The Great Fitness Experiment about cellulite.  90% of women have this “unsightly” condition.  90%.  That is almost everyone.  Why fight so hard against what we can control? Why waste precious life working to get rid of something that short of surgery can’t be gotten rid of?  Aren’t we more valuable than that?

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Acceptance.  Acceptance of ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Acceptance into our truth no matter what it looks like.  I’ve learned these past few weeks that the only way to heal is to move into what we are most afraid of.  If we never allow that to happen we only live in the “truth” of what our mind has previously decided to be true, based only on thought and not on experience.  Step into the mud, swim through, dive deep, and go across.  I promise there is another side.  Sometimes certain mud pits are deeper than others.  Sometimes some are wider, but if there is anything I have learned is that there is always another side. Fear was meant to be faced.  We have one life to live.  Make it your best.

 

Apr

03

All is Coming.

Beauty / Beauty Illusion and Myth / Body Image / Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Eating Disorder Side Effects / Journey / Learnings / Yoga / Yoga for Eating Disorders  Posted by / 14 comments
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When I started researching blogs and writing one of the first things I saw was never to post “it has been awhile since my last post.”  That being said…

It has been awhile since my last post.

I look in the mirror and I’m not sure I quite recognize who I see anymore, not so much physically, but mostly on a mental and metaphysical level.  2012 has been an abrupt year of change.  Nothing bad has happened  but it has been a rapid whirlwind of new leanings and while welcome it has been nothing short of painful.  An intense journey into my real truth and a strong desire to at long last meet the real Hannah who has so long been missing from my life, the Hannah that exists outside of food and working out.

When I last left you I had just gone off of Adderall and while most of the physical side effects have still abated mentally the side effects had just started up.  My brain was used to getting certain things from the medicine, both the Adderall and the Effexor XR I had mostly stopped in the Summer and Fall.  Now it turns out the past month has shown up to be quite a struggle with a deep depression.  In the past I’ve had minor depressive episodes, but nothing like this.  Mornings and early afternoons proving to be nearly impossible; fogginess, foreign thoughts, despair, mental leathery, lack of concentration, and an inability for my eyes to focus.  On some days the symptoms would fade by late afternoon only to give way to insomnia both from my own issues as well of that of an aging dog who likes to keep the schedule of a newborn baby!

In not numbing myself out the depression has been all the more painful, ups and downs of life magnified, days where I have had to “call in sick,” then deal with the guilt associated with being sick from a mental condition.  Somehow this seems less valid than if I really was sick with a fever or other illness.  Getting “ready for the day” has proven at times to be an even more exhausting endeavor in those other times where I knew that if I could just get out it would be ok.  Long walks have proven in this time to be the best medicine.  Getting out there and breathing it all in, letting the sun shine down on me and knowing that yes it really will be ok.

As previously mentioned I also have been dealing with physical changes, mostly in the area of weight gain.  In my recovery I had hovered around the same number for quite a long time.  Not quite where the medical professionals and my support systems wanted me to be, but in a place that was in my mind close enough, but also still safe enough if I ever needed to cut and run.  Still holding onto my eating disorder with the last shred of strength I could muster.  Gaining a few pounds is a sure way to royally piss off ED, especially when it is unintentional!

2012.  The year I broke up with my eating disorder.

The most painful break-up ever.  I run, he chases.  At times he wins, luring me back into the safe confines of what seems normal, other times I’m lucky I am strong and fast.  I’m still in the midst of it all.  Having my first near binge episode, I had always sickly prided myself on never allowing the anorexia to flip.  Turns out if you are anorexic and also listening to your body that this doesn’t work.  Not eating what you need presents a strong backlash.  Terribly uncomfortable and while a miserable experience it was quite a learning one.

I’m not comfortable with my body.  It seems foreign right now.  I don’t like the way clothing feels and looking at pictures can prove to be quite traumatic.  I just got pictures back from my yoga photo shoot.  Yikes. My imperfections scream out to me and while I hear positive things from others it doesn’t feel that way inside.  Inside is an open wound.  It will heal in time, but time is all I have to bank on.  I must wait.  I must be in the now, the present.  This is what its.  I am healthy, I am strong.  The mantra of my wise-self.

What difference does a few pounds make?  Who really cares?  Is this really going to make a difference in my life?  A few pounds down may in my case, but not a few pounds up.  I try so hard to hold this true to myself. It still hurts. Brain pain.

I move forward. A day, an hour, a minute, a moment.  I am here.

“Do your practice and all is coming.”

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Feb

22

Scary Things

Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Eating Disorder Side Effects / Learnings / Yoga  Posted by / 3 comments
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Last fall I wrote about my experiences in going off of Effexor XR after being on the medication for over 10-years.  I never spoke much to the other, but more concerning drug, that I have been taking since March of last year.  Adderall.

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When I entered eating disorder treatment in 2009 it was suspected that I had ADD which was covered up by an active eating disorder. There was always a hesitation to put me on any medication for it since most of the effective mediations are stimulants and habit-forming, causing loss of appetite and weight loss, something not good for someone with an eating disorder.  However last Spring my psychiatrist decided it would be ok to try me on Adderall as long as we were careful about the risk of side effects.

I began taking a low dosage of 10mg, which is what I stayed on for my duration on this medication, and immediately felt the positive effects of it.  Ability to focus and lots of energy.  Nevermind the occasional manic feelings, odd sensations in my chest or after too many days in a row on it, difficulty breathing.  My eating disorder immediately latched onto the feeling of “speed,” especially loss of appetite.  That being said I never experienced weight loss, but perhaps stayed at a lower weight for longer than I should have.

In May I began to get worried about the respiratory and perceived heart related side effects and made an attempt to get off of the drug.  After several days of fatigue and some minor weight gain I couldn’t take it anymore.  I jumped back on the Adderall bandwagon more out of worry for my weight than anything else.  I didn’t reveal this to anyone until now.  Sad but true.

Initially I found I could deal with the side effects by taking one or two days off a week, however by the Fall that gave way to 7 days a week on the drug.  Some nights I would vow to not take it again the next day after experiencing worrying sensations, but in the morning the bottle beckoned again and I heeded to its call.  An eating disorder in a pill.

In my return from yoga therapy training and the many changes I have been implementing in my life I decided it was time once and for all to be done with this pill.  I’m not one to like taking prescription medications and alongside the other worries I have about stress on my body I knew that taking a stimulant wasn’t helping anything.  The fact that this $200 a month medication was no longer covered by my new insurance wasn’t helping either! I hadn’t been on the drug for too long of a time and now was as good a time as any to go off of it.  I jumped in.

Two weeks ago I gave my bottle of pills to a friend.  I didn’t want them in the house because I knew if they were there in that moment of weakness I would take them.  So it began.  After maybe one day of being tired I haven’t noticed any of the fatigue-like side effects. In fact I have had more energy than normal!  Wonderful.

What isn’t so wonderful? That other side effect.  Weight gain.  Since discontinuing the medication I have seen a pretty rapid increase in body weight.  Adding that to the couple of pounds that came on after the stress of returning home in January and I am about ready to jump out of my skin…and it doesn’t seem to be stopping.  I’m convinced at this point it hast mostly to do with the medication’s effect, and current lack thereof on my metabolism.  I seeking an answer or remedy to this I go online and only get more frightened.  Massive weight gains of 20-50 pounds seem to be abundant despite reported healthy diet and exercise behavior.

I’m scared. I can’t look in the mirror, I can’t stand the feeling of clothing on my body.

Most would say I could afford to gain a bit of weight and while that in itself doesn’t scare me the way this is happening does.  It feels like a total loss of control.  This also comes at a time where I have made a conscious choice to get back to better eating habits and stepping back a bit from working out so much.  It would be so easy to fall back into that right now, but I’m not going to.  I’m not.  So I try to breathe.  I try to sit with it. I try to practice what I preach.

Acceptance of what is.  And this is what is.  I can make a choice to embrace or continue to run.

I’m working on that embrace.

Feb

02

The Power of the Phoenix.

Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Yoga / Yoga for Eating Disorders / Yoga Therapy  Posted by / 0 comments
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Yesterday I drove down to Cincinnati to have my first professional Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy session with a current practitioner.  As part of our training we are required to go through the work ourselves which is really the best way to understand what the PRYT modality is.

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My session was with Renee Groenemann, one of the owners of Grace Tree Yoga & Growth Studio. The session took place at the studio, a beautiful house that has been remodeled into a yoga studio with two separate rooms for classes as well as a room for private lessons.  With the temperatures hitting the 60′s and the sun beaming through the windows it couldn’t have been a more perfect day.  In addition to receiving a session I also “gave” a session to Renee as part of my training in order to get feedback from another who deeply understands this process.

As my session began I felt the flood gates open, not necessarily in terms of tears, but in terms of letting go.  As we sat in our centering I started to deeply feel emotions and sensations that I had been running from in my body.  Feelings of loss, loneliness, knotted anxiety.  As I spoke of them a lump the size of a tennis ball developed in my throat.  I became aware of things I had been stuffing since I returned home from Vermont, things that had been filling up my bleachers for far too long manifesting as a dense heaviness feeding into darkness and depression.

While I won’t go into the details of my session I will say that Renee offered me some very edgy postures that facilitated deep-rooted release.  These weren’t postures that I learned in training, but instead were a more creative bent on what I needed while still maintaining the integrity of the work.  This is something that we are encouraged to do as we become more skilled practitioners.  She also offered a few mini-integrations throughout the process.  Drawing things together and encouraging me to sit (or stand!) at edges that seemed scary and uncomfortable.  At one point I actually got the image of crows flying out from my shoulders, darkness leaving my body and creating room for light and growth.

I left our session feeling stronger, more able, and calmer than I have in quite a long time.  Things didn’t seem so daunting as I drove back to Columbus.  I wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere, I was able to stop and get food for lunch, taking care of myself, and most notably the depression that has been setting in each day around noon didn’t happen.  I thought maybe it would come later, but it never did.

My mom posed a question to me yesterday relating a PRYT to a massage.  How does it compare?  I answered that the release from this type of work is much deeper than any massage I’ve ever gotten.  For me a massage has usually been just a physical relaxation.  My mind is still stuck and full even though my body is at ease.  This is still very valuable, but again not as deep.  PRYT integrates so much more.  A true mind, body, emotional, and spirit connection.  It works.  I don’t know why, I just know it does.

If you are in Columbus and are  interested in receiving yoga therapy sessions please contact me at hannah.siegle[at]gmail.com.

Much love and light to all.

Jan

31

Bloggers Block.

Beauty Illusion and Myth / Body Image / Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / Journey / Pug / Yoga / Yoga for Eating Disorders / Yoga Therapy  Posted by / 12 comments
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It is official.  I have bloggers block.

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Ever since I returned home I have been going though a lot of internal change and it has been hard to decide what I want to blog publicly about versus keep to myself, after all I’m not a completely open book.  I’ve had a lot going on externally as well, which I seem to be focusing on in my blogging.  Perhaps it is easier to talk about all that stuff than what is deeper.  What is deeper however is this late night Glamour shot!  Old Mr. Dragon Breath!

I’ve become very aware of many feelings, both physical and mental that have been residing below the surface.  I suspect that many of these aren’t new, but are rather making themselves heard.  New and odd.  As mentioned I’ve also been dealing with the post-PRYT weight gain.  Small, yes, but nevertheless disturbing and disconcerting.  I pretty sure it is due to hormonal or metabolic repercussions for not eating enough while I was gone.  Belive it or not one can gain weight from not eating, especially if they are someone whose body is used to that game.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t shed tears over this.  My body is out of my control.  Something terrifying and scary. even amidst all the work that I have done.  It is signaling that it will do whatever it wants, whenever it wants.  It.  Referring to my body as a thing, somewhat disconnected from me.  I’m working hard to accept what is going on and regain the sense that my body and myself are not really two distinct entities.  This disconnect is an illusion as is so much in life.  It is one and the same.

In the flurry of ongoing’s I have been putting a lot of time and energy into remaining grounded so that I can show up as a yoga instructor and leave all of that on the bleachers to come back to later.  The funny thing about bleachers is that I have to come back to it.  If I just let them fill up they will collapse.  Major liability there!

I’m not one to ask for things, but any support here would be much appreciated!  Love, light, and healing to all!

Jan

25

Hot or Not?

Beauty / Beauty Illusion and Myth / Body Image / Eating Disorder / Eating Disorder Recovery / The Real Body Project  Posted by / 8 comments
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Last weekend this picture a la Origin Magazine found itself winding its way through the pages of the internet.

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My immediate reaction was “Yes, get the word out!” but as I took a pause and read the flurry of activity surrounding it I realized that this montage suggests that “real woman” can’t be skinny, something that simply isn’t true.  While many may not like it there are healthy, skinny woman out there.  Skinny woman who don’t have curvy hips or voluptuous breasts, woman who are still as beautiful as any counterpart.  Let’s face it.  All woman are beautiful.  Fat, thin, skinny, average, and everything in between.  And guess what?  We are all real woman.

That being said, several of the woman in the above picture do have well documented eating disorders or body image issues (but what woman doesn’t?), and even the women pictured in the “Hotter Than This” photos almost all have body shaping gear on as if to suggest that what their natural shape is still isn’t good enough.  While I still wouldn’t take the step of denying them the status of womanhood I would argue that images of bodies, especially those who are going through times of  disordered eating or sickness, thin or fat, shouldn’t be paraded around as normal or healthy.  THese images can be and are disturbing and don’t need to further dig us into the hole of Photoshopping, plastic surgery, or general body dissatisfaction that is present in our modern times.

In rebuttal to this picture the following montage appeared this morning:

NewImage

The pictures are in the same vein, (and all Photoshopped), but the message is different and I couldn’t agree more!

This comes at a good time for me as I digest everything that has happened over the past month.  I’ve never felt so in my body before and while it is a welcome place to reside having so much feeling both mentally and physically is quite a switch.  In a rebound from not taking care of myself for some time I’ve seen the numbers on the scale creep up since coming home (yes, yes throw it out right?) and it is hard not to react to this.  I’m sitting with these feelings and sitting in these sensations.   As I recognize and confront what once seemed insurmountable and uncomfortable starts to shift and abandon its hold.  So what if the numbers change?  So what if my clothes are different?  These material and external things aren’t where life vibrates, aren’t’ where the warmth of my heart or the manifestation of my soul appear. They are only dark illusions that have filled my space for far too long.  I can make the choice to turn my back and walk the other way.

That isn’t to say that these thoughts don’t  still try to lure me back, but it is my choice to move forward and move towards authenticity and a full and happy life.  No gym requirements or bizarre food behaviors allowed.  I have my breath, my body, and my spirit.  This is where my roots are and where I grow.  I’m choosing to abandon my “recovery” ideal of living on the edge of health.  If that is where I end up fine, but if it isn’t what happens then so be it.  I have more to live for than subcutaneous fat.  Of course an eating disorder isn’t really about the subcutaneous fat, but putting it in such blunt terms sure sounds ridiculous, right?

How is your relationship with your body?  Have you noticed it evolving over the years?

Photo Credits: Facebook